Many women who've lost a loved one in death find the journey through pain and grief a solo voyage.

Friends and family who wish to help them don't know what to say, so they say nothing at all.

For Jolene Formaini, who serves as bereavement coordinator and grief educator at the Visiting Nurses Association Hospice in Butler, grief is part of her daily business.

Formaini said she sees why people avoid those who are grieving.

"Our society seems to be a death-denying, death- defying society. We hold death at arm's length. Then when someone we know and love experiences an unthinkable loss, it forces us to face the reality that it could have been 'our loss,' which makes us feel painfully vulnerable and uncomfortable."

Not going alone on the journey through grief is really important for those who are grieving, she said.

"The bereaved need at least one safe person who can listen without judging or giving advice, who can comfort without smothering, encourage without forcing. and who is able to just be there for as long as the person needs to help facilitate healing."

MARY SHANNON OF

Chicora was comforted by the simple presence of friends after she and her husband Don lost their daughter, Katie, in a car accident.

"The grief would wash over me like a wave, over and over again," she explained. "With time, the waves get farther and farther apart, until I could actually live life in between them.

"When the wave comes back, it's just like it happened yesterday, and the pain is just as bad," she said.

"One friend sent me a card about a month later saying that my heart 'had been made of five parts because we were a family of five - and now one part of my heart is missing, and it will take a really long time to heal.'

"That really touched me - and the fact that she sent it later when she knew that I was still suffering," said Mary.

Ironically Katie had

cheated death in 1982 at the

age of 3 when she received a liver transplant.

"She was dying at that time of liver cirrhosis from a birth defect, and had days to live when she was transplanted," Mary said. "There had been dozens of times when Katie had fallen ill at home and had to be rushed to the hospital.

"When I heard she had been in an accident, the adrenaline started again. All I could think was that I had to get to her and would be able to 'fix' things like I had before.

"One friend (who had been at the accident scene) gave me the choker she had on, and I held on to it so tightly, thinking that as long as I did not let go, I would not lose her," Shannon said.

"There is nothing that ever prepares you for the death of a child. There were many times when Katie was little and so sick that we thought she would not survive the night. And so you think I would be ready.

"But when she did die I wasn't." said Mary. "I had thought that all that was over; that she had survived the transplant and would live to a ripe old age."

FOR JOYCE SHANNON

, Katie's twin sister, her practical approach to grief may not have been the best one.

"I had a rather businesslike response to the news. In situations of stress, I often take charge and forge ahead, and I felt a responsibility to hold my parents together since my brother was away at college at the time," Joyce explained.

"We waited around at the hospital for what seemed like forever, then the doctors came in and said she was gone. My mother and I went in to see her body, and I cut off a lock of her hair, which I still have. She had dyed her hair the night before, and her usual chestnut colored hair had a purple tinge," she said.

Joyce went through the motions of grief and participated in all the events that follow a loss, but it wasn't until she was struck with a case of mononucleosis, that Joyce realized she'd been repressing most of her sorrow.

"Probably crying more would've prevented the mono from taking over. I've heard that crying is a good way to release stress, and I didn't cry as much as I should have, I suppose. Like I said, I kept trying to forge ahead," she explained.

It bothered Joyce when people would say they understood her pain by comparing her loss to a loss they may have suffered. For her, saying less was best.

"Just say you're sorry. If someone you're close to is grieving, be there for him or her as much as you can. If you live far away from them, it's really nice to send a card or call six months later or so to say you're still thinking of them," advised Joyce.

"Many people after a time seem to forget the bereaved are still dealing with the loss. The truth is, a death as heart-wrenching as Katie's is one we will never get over. It gets easier to deal with over time, but you never get over it."

"Even though it's been 6½ years since she died, I still feel like my grief is an entire ocean that I've swam across. Whereas when I tell people about her and my grief, I feel like I'm only letting them stick their toe in," she said.

FOR OTHER WOMEN

, faith plays more of a role than friends.

Jennifer Walker of Butler lost her daughter, Laura, who was born with immature lungs and no kidneys due to a birth defect called Potter's syndrome.

She and her husband were unaware there was a problem until Laura was born. She died 9½ hours later. "Initially I felt shock and disbelief. It was a very surreal feeling, as if I was watching someone else.

"Then there was a panic and a desperate need to hold her and tell her how much I loved her. Through it all, there was a constant crying out to God for strength and courage because I knew I could not walk through this valley without him," Walker said.

During the grief that followed, she clung to what was most important in her life.

"My source of strength was my faith and my husband. God was so kind to me during this time. He repeatedly showed me that he was holding my hand through the whole process.

"My husband was amazing and, even though he was devastated himself, he was so loving. Between God and him, I never felt as though I had to go through this alone," she explained.

Though people had the best of intentions, there are just some things one doesn't say to a woman who just lost her child, she said.

"When people would diminish Laura's death because she was a newborn by saying things like, 'Well, at least she wasn't older because then you would have been really attached to her,' or 'You're still young, you can have more kids,' I know they meant well, but Laura is as much my child as my others," Walker said.

She said she thinks people may have difficulty relating to a person who is grieving because it may bring up their own feelings of grief.

"I had a few women tell me they avoided me because it brought to the surface feelings of grief for a child they miscarried.

"I also had people confess to avoiding me because they couldn't put themselves in my shoes. It was too hard for them emotionally," Walker said.

FORMAINI AT THE

VNA deals daily with bereaved families in Butler and surrounding areas. She is certified in thanatology, which applies to death, dying and bereavement.

"I think it is important that we do not try to explain another person's loss to them or put our own meaning on it. That can be hurtful," she said.

"We can't put a time frame on grief. It is important to know that each grief experience is unique. Grief is a holistic response to a loss and the loss is there forever."

The VNA Hospice Bereavement Services offers a monthly support group, phone support, one-on-one support, a holiday grief education class and other individualized programs to meet the needs of the grieving.