Recently, while driving through Lancaster Township, Butler County, enjoying some chicken wings, I inadvertently tossed a wing bone out the car window.

I was promptly pulled over for this grievous infraction. I was scolded and informed that I should have tossed it onto the floor of my vehicle, where I had previously put the non-biodegradables for later disposal.

I was further informed of another blatant violation of the criminal code. I was told to remove the three-inch-square Steeler dice from my rearview mirror (the officer must be a Cleveland Browns fan).

In the officer’s extreme benevolence, he allowed me to escape the wrath of justice with a verbal warning to give up my life of crime and never repeat these offenses.

As I drove away, I noticed, in my now-unobstructed rearview mirror, Lancaster’s finest turn into a local business to turn around. I also noticed that he neglected to use his turn signal, and I felt responsible, due to the extreme trama I must have caused him to have to witness such a breach of the criminal code.

To the people of Butler County, I wish to offer my most fervent apology. Rest assured, I have seen the error of my ways and am actively seeking counsel to make sure that I do not become a repeat offender.

I am thankful that my father did not live long enough to have to endure the shame of a son gone bad.