Providing daily care at home for someone with dementia can be frustrating and exhausting, no matter how much love has been shared in the years and decades past between the person afflicted with the syndrome and custodial parties.

So Michelle Lesniak, director at the South Butler Community Library in Saxonburg, and her library board decided to step in and provide a place where caregivers can receive understanding and help.

The Dementia Caregivers Support Group meets from 6 to 7 p.m. the second Thursday of each month at the library on West Main Street.

Lesniak said a few caregivers came to the November and December sessions, and she hopes more will come on Jan. 11.

“I think that’s one thing the library should be, is a safe place in dealing with life’s challenges,” she said.

Lesniak said those who came to the first two sessions were impressed with Michelle Govan, a registered nurse who works at Dementia360, a caregiver support program in Oakmont.

The company provides services and support to those caring for a loved one with dementia at home in Butler, Allegheny, Westmoreland and Washington counties.

“It was so enlightening,” Lesniak said of Govan’s presentations at the initial sessions. “Just the kinds of things she suggested to interact with someone with dementia were great.”

Govan, who also is a certified dementia practitioner, said Dementia360 was created when Presbyterian Senior Care Network, of Oakmont, received a grant to be used to train those caring for dementia patients at home the same as their employees are trained.

Govan said that at work she meets with clients every month to problem solve regarding their ongoing challenges at home.

Processing the caregiver’s emotions, doing planning and help with avoiding falls are examples of other services Govan provides as a Dementia360 nurse.

“We try to put these tools in a toolbox they can use,” she said.

Because she lives in Cabot and has clients in Butler County, Govan approached Lesniak about holding a caregiver support program at the library.

“She has been so warm and welcoming to not only me, but the group,” Govan said of Lesniak.

Govan said caregivers are normally spouses or children of the person with dementia, but sometimes siblings or even a friend is caring for them at home.

“These are strong individuals,” she said. “These are people doing the hardest job out there.”

One of the biggest frustrations of those caring for someone with dementia is their inability to reason with them regarding directions like “don’t turn on the stove” or “you can’t go outside.”

“The biggest challenge is ‘Why can’t they follow directions?’” Govan said.

She talks to group members about what is going on in the brain of a dementia patient and gives strategies to deal with the problem.

She said those living with dementia retain their pride and desire for independence, so caregivers should not communicate in a condescending way, as if the patient is a child.

“When they are talked down to, they feel insulted,” Govan said. “They still feel like they are the head of the household or good at paying the bills.”

She said talking to those living with dementia on an emotional level works better than on a factual level.

“Instead of saying ‘Don’t go down the steps. You’re going to fall,’ say ‘I want to do laundry with you downstairs, can you wait and we’ll do it together?’” Govan said.

She also deals with the agitation that can come with dementia.

“Behavior is a communication, so they are trying to tell us something (when agitated),” Govan said. “We’ve got to figure out what they are trying to tell us.”

Instead of looking at the behavior, caregivers should try to find what triggered the behavior.

“If you try to treat the behavior, you’re trying to put out a fire,” Govan said. “Let’s just not have that fire start in the first place.”

She said caregivers must be supported as well during their journey as a dementia caregiver.

Govan hopes a cure is discovered someday for dementia, which is known as “the long goodbye.”

“I hope I lose my job to a cure someday,” she said.

Jan Donnell cares for her mother, Rosalyn Hyek, 88, in her Buffalo Township home with the help and support of her husband, Robert.

Donnell said Hyek began showing slight memory problems many years ago.

“It was before she lived with me, and I didn’t know how bad it was,” she said.

Donnell said her parents kept her mother’s worsening memory issues to themselves because they didn’t want their home and assets to be seized by a nursing home should she be placed in one.

Before Donnell’s father died four years ago, he asked his daughter to take care of her mother, so Donnell moved her mother in.

The Donnells even put an addition on their home to give Hyek some semblance of independence.

Right around that time, Donnell’s younger brother also died.

“So Mom lost her husband and her son, then we sold her house, so she lost her house,” Donnell said. “It was just so much trauma.”

The doctor put Hyek on an antidepressant after Donnell, listening at the door, heard her mother sobbing and saying “God, please take me” when she was in the bathroom preparing to take a shower.

“They can’t tell you what’s wrong, so it’s like taking care of an infant,” Donnell said.

It turned out Hyek was unable to get undressed before showering or dress herself afterward, which caused tears of frustration.

“That’s a big, big part of it, is the frustration,” Donnell said.

The antidepressants helped with the crying, but contacting Govan at Dementia360 was a godsend, Donnell said.

Govan helped the Donnells with locations to place grab bars, a phone for Hyek that is specifically made for those living with dementia, dietary issues, and endless ideas and advice on caring for Hyek and themselves.

“Michelle is just wonderful with all that,” Donnell said. “She just kind of has all the answers.”

Govan also told Donnell about a physical therapy gym in Indiana Township, Allegheny County, where Hyek now receives therapy twice per week to increase her muscle mass.

Hyek has spinal stenosis and cannot get around at all without her walker.

“What’s tough is her mobility,” Donnell said. “She has gone downhill so bad.”

Donnell sees that the amount of weight her mother is lifting and resistance against each week is increasing, which she takes as a sign of improvement, although Hyek complains at the end of her physical therapy sessions.

“We’re just going to keep going,” Donnell said.

She said Dementia360 also plans regular pizza parties, bingo games on Zoom and other activities for caregivers and their charges.

“That’s kind of my support group,” Donnell said. “You know you’re not alone.”

Donnell said she will attend the support group meetings at the library as well.

She said her goal is to keep her mother at her home until she is called to join her father.

“It’s very difficult,” Donnell admitted. “Just even carrying on a conversation with her … I’ve lost my mom also. She’s not there.

“It is hard and it makes me cry, but I keep hearing my dad saying ‘Take care of your mom.’”